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Have you ever noticed ... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
-- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneris

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it.
-- Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-- Jay Leno

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
-- George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
-- Billiam Coronel

PCs should have next to the "Intel Inside" sticker, an additional label that says, "Best if used by __________".

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

The Lord's Prayer has 66 words. The Gettysburg Address has 286 words. There are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry

On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself
-- Mark Twain

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