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-=[ Quotes, Proverbs]=-
| [ << ]|| Random Bits of Wisdom || [ >> ] |
| Random Bits of Wisdom from a Few Thoughtful People:|
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? 'Don't eat pork. God has spoken.' Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
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