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 [ << ] Nerds at the Hardware Store 2/2 [ >>
Nerdy Things to do at the Hardware Store 2/2:

Shake all the Christmas trees until their needles start to fall out. Decide which tree was best. Then go buy a plastic tree because all the real ones were reduced to bare twigs.

Get a friend to hold each tape measure in turn while you pull the tape out to its fullest extent. Then shout "Yeeha!" and let the tape go. Time which recoils the fastest.

Switch off all the lights in the building so that you can try out the torches. When the staff get angry and turn them back on ask "what they've got to hide?".

Go to the Customer Service desk with a tin of paint (for example "Egg-shell blue", "Buttermilk white" or "Jasmine yellow") and ask whether they've got the same color but with a different name; the color's just right but there's no way you're going to paint your wall with something called *that*.

Borrow a volt meter from the electrical section, undo all packs of batteries and test them to find the freshest ones. Then decide to buy rechargeables instead.

Visit the garden department and ask for daffodil bulbs with the screw-type fitting. Then ask whether you can change the ones you bought by mistake last week with the bayonet fitting.

Ask if they have any Australian hose-pipes because you are going to live there and everybody knows that water flows the other way in the southern hemisphere.

Take your dimmer switch to the Returns Desk and complain that it is too intelligent - you wanted something dimmer.

Open all the glue pots and start sniffing them. When an assistant asks what you're doing thrust one of them under his nose and say "Smell for yourself, this one's stale".

Activate all the burglar alarms in the security section. When an innocent member of public sets them off, tie him up with some rope and shout "I've caught him! I've caught him!".

Pick up one of the demonstration models in the phone section and pretend to have a private conversation. Say to the (imaginary) person on the other end "It's amazing, they must have wired this one in by mistake". See how many people you can get to pick it up and try it after you've left.

Take items of bird food (bags of nuts and bars of seed) out into the garden section and fix them to the bird tables, so that the birds can eat them. If stopped by staff just say you thought somebody had put them in the wrong place and ask "they are meant to be for the birds outside, aren't they?".

Try cooking your Sunday lunch in one of their example kitchens. See how far you can get. Try and build up an audience as if you were doing a demonstration. If there's no electricity say "Darn it, they forgot to wire it up for me again." and move onto some other food preparation which doesn't need electricity. Keep saying things like "Note the stylish doors", "Look at the quality of this work surface" and "The sink comes in four sizes, three shapes and seven colors".

Buy twelve light bulbs and - when you get to the checkout - ask if you can test whether they are working because "The last time I bought some from [insert name of rival store] half of them were already blown". After they find you a socket and you've tested them all, suddenly remember you wanted a different fitting. Repeat the whole process then remember you wanted a different wattage. Repeat the whole process yet again then remember you wanted the special "reflector" spotlight ones. Eventually remember that the Electricity Company has cut your power because you've not been paying the bills. Ask them where they keep the candles.

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