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-=[ Joke Number 764 ]=-

 [ << ] Random Bits of Wisdom [ >>
Random Bits of Wisdom from a Few Thoughtful People:

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? 'Don't eat pork. God has spoken.' Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
--Jon Stewart

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin."
--Winston Spear

"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That maybe. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
--Steven Wright

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"
--Garry Shandling

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

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