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-=[ Joke Number 365 ]=-

 [ << ] Chicken: Non-Contemporary (19b) [ >>
Why did the chicken cross the Road ? The Authors: Non-Contemporary (19b):

A.A. Milne: I imagine that if I thought very hard I shouold come up with a reason.

John Milton: (1) To justify the ways of God to men
(2) To look for the pair of dice she lost.

Edgar Allan Poe: Quoth the chicken,"Nevermore!"

Emily Post: (1) When a chicken is confronted with a road, it is only proper for the chicken to stand erect, turn to face the road, look both ways and cross... remembering to send a sincere thank you letter within one month of the event.
(2) It was the proper course to take.

George Bernard Shaw: (1) The reason is that there are no reasons.
(2) Attempting to stop the chicken is an extreme form of censorship.

William Shakespeare: (1) I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
(2) There is a willow grows aslant the brook.
(3) This is the road of chicken's discontent, Made ignoble abbatoir by this half-ton truck... (Richard II)
(4) Bring me no more reports, let them fly all; 'Til a chicken remove to other side of road I cannot taint with fear. What is this chicken? Was he not born of hen? The spirits that know All fowl consequences have pronounced me thus: "Fear not, MacNugget; no chicken that's born of hen Shall e'er lay beak upon thee." (Macbeth)
(5) If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly: if the crossing Could scoot across the dotted line, and catch, Beyond passing car, sidewalk; that but these feathers Might be the be-all and end-all here, But here, at this corner of street and avenue, We'd cross at the light to come. (Macbeth)
(6) To cross, or not to cross? That is the question, Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The wheels and axles of the city's mass transit Or to take flight against a sea of motorists And by opposing, end me? To cross, to peep No more! And by that peep to say we end The chickhood and the thousand fender-shocks That chicken is heir to. 'Tis a perambulation Devoutly to be wish'd. (Hamlet)
(7) A chicken with any other name would cross the same.
(8) To Cross or not to cross? That is the question.
(9) I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
(10) Fair is foul and foul is fair, hover through the fog and filthy air.

E.E. (Doc) Smith: Your humble narrator can barely do justice to this climactic event that rent asunder the fundamental ether of space itself, as the chicken, embodying all that is good and hard and straight and keen in the Avain world, fearlessly approached, bridged, and conquered the road for Civilization.

Gertrude Stein: The road? There is no there.

John Steinbeck: The road baked in the relentless summer sun as the chicken, looking about, began to cross. It stopped occaisionally to peck at a grass seed that had become lodged in a crevice in the cracked macadam. The chicken reached the other side, then began making his way to the Salinas, which lay muddy and turgid in the July afternoon, all the while thinking of the cool shade by the river and how good the can of beans in his bedroll would taste tonight.

Henry David Thoreau: (1) To live deliberately, and suck all the marrow out of life.
(2) To be wild and free like all good things.

J. R. R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which count- less tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name.

Anthony Trollope: Why, to avoid Mrs. Proudy and Mr. Slope, of course

Mark Twain: (1) The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
(2) It is the dressing. There is no power without dressing. Without dressing, I would be commonplace, inconsequential.
(3) Did it cross the road? Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Voltaire: (1) I don't believe the chicken should cross the road, but I'll defend to the death his right to do so.
(2) Chickens have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills.

Oscar Wilde: (1) This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them are equally shallow.
(2) There's only one way to get rid of temptation, and that's to yield to it.

[ Stan Kegel, kegel@fea.net ]

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