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-=[ Joke Number 351 ]=-

 [ << ] M$ Windows 2000 [ >>

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMAZING WINDOWS 2000 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are privileged this month to bring you our long overdue article on Microsoft's groundbreaking Operating System, the incredible Windows 2000. Our exceptional journalistic standards demand that we preface this article by a restatement of our policy concerning review of non-shipping products. While our policy has always been that we would review no product that is not actually shipping at the time of publication, WE HAVE CHANGED OUR POLICY FOR THIS ISSUE ONLY. Our policy for this issue is that we will review any product that someone tells us might possibly be developed at any time in the future. After his issue, our policy will revert to what it was prior to this issue until such time that Microsoft begins to again consider their next edition of software and begins another high-visibility promotion geared to discourage users from looking at the competition.

We put the wonderful Windows 2000 operating system through our grueling bench benchmark program which was magnanimously donated to PC Labs by Microsoft Corporation. Our test bed was the standard by platform used most PC users--a Cray Supercomputer with 3 Gigabytes of RAM and a $9000 Windows graphics accelerator card with 512 Megabytes of SRAM. Our testing was made more difficult by the fact that no actual code was available at the time of the procedure. We did have available, however, a screen shot of the stupendous Windows 2000 which we put through its paces. Our staff was speechless over how pretty the screen shot was. We also had the benefit of the assistance of 12 Microsoft employees who provided invaluable input, and also took us to lunch as well as provide us all with free copies of MicroSoft Office 2000.

The tremendous Windows 2000 was a dream to install. We didn't even have to open the box! All of our applications were immediately migrated into the new OS, except the OS/2 applications. They mysteriously disappeared. We were told that this is a bug in the way that OS/2 apps are written and that this was IBM's problem. The screen shot scored a respectable .000001 Winmarks on our testing platform. Microsoft officials assure us that performance of the actual code promises to be even better. The only compatibility problem arose when OS/2 for Windows stubbornly refused to load the screen shot. Microsoft officials advise us that this was also IBM's problem.

Microsoft officials told us that 16 Megabytes of RAM minimum would be needed in the release version. However, they also said that they would recommend 512 Megabytes for typical usage. Microsoft officials said, and we agree, that all serious PC users will have 512 Megabytes of RAM on their systems by the time Win2K is released. Windows 2000 is too sophisticated an OS for those that refuse to keep up.

We were at first concerned with the reports of the apparent absence of 32-bit code contained in Windows 2000. However, the Microsoft officials soon set us straight. Due to Microsoft still having the patent pending for the new technology, MS officials couldn't tell us how it worked, but told us of a new Microsoft compression technology. It turns out that all of the apparent 16-bit code present in Win2K is actually 32-bit code that has been compressed by Microsoft to look like it is only 16 bits. Microsoft officials say that this is the wave of the future in 32-bit computing.

In order for you to take advantage of the power of Win2K, Microsoft will be releasing three new products. These products are Visual COBOL,Visual Assembler and Visual Machine Language. The Microsoft representatives gave us a sneak peak of the Visual Machine Language product. Visual Machine Language will contain the famous Microsoft App Wizard. At first the App Wizard looked like it was only generating huge random streams of ones and zeros. However, one representative assured us that this was not the case and that MS had used it to write most of the Windows 2000 code.

In summary, we can state without any fear of being accused of hyperbole that the most excellent Windows 2000 is the greatest technological breakthrough since the discovery of fire and the invention of the wheel (neither of which, unfortunately, is patented by Microsoft..... yet). The God-like Windows 2000 ranks right up there with the other accomplishments of Microsoft, such as the graphical user interface, the mouse, memory management and on-the-fly disk compression.

It is at this point that we should state PC Magazine's new policy with regard to software patents, viz., We feel strongly that any software patent not held by Microsoft is void and bad for the industry.

There will be a plethora of applications specifically written to take advantage of the astounding Windows 2000. All major software developers are expected to begin work on products immediately after reading this article. Versions of WordPerfect and Lemmings for Win2K should be shipping by the time you read this. If you cannot wait for your copy of the sexy Windows 2000, we suggest you immediately go out and buy a copy of the highly innovative MS-DOS 6.2. Follow that up with several copies of the award winning Windows for Workgroups 3.11. If you are still impatient, buy the long awaited Windows NT, which is available in bulk quantity from your local retailer at huge discounts. By that time, if the most esteemed Windows 2000 is still not shipping, buy a few more copies of Windows NT.

While we usually don't give awards to products that are not even in Alpha release, we feel that we have no choice but to award our prestigious ZIFF-DAVIS Editor's Choice to the awesome Microsoft Windows 2000. And even though it is only September, we have also given it our ZIFF-DAVIS Year-End Technical Excellence Award in ALL categories for the years 1994 through 2010. We expect an even better version of Windows in the coming century. So, what are you waiting for?

*Note: All words (except "fire" and "wheel") and all alphanumeric characters in this article are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.

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