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-=[ Joke Number 2652 ]=-

 [ << ] Bob Hope One Liners [ >>
On a tour to entertain the troops in the Pacific Bob said, "Out here in the Pacific, they have typhoons and hurricanes that blow over 200 miles an hour. We have tornadoes and hurricanes back home, but I don't worry about them. The mortgage on my house is so heavy that nothing could budge it."

Bob also said that the Admiral was very supportive as he took his show into combat areas. "He promised to keep a supply of my blood type on hand, even if he had to kill the chicken himself"

Joking about the fact that he has never won an Oscar for his acting abilities, Hope says that "Oscar night at my house is called Passover."

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

On Golfing With President Gerald Ford

- "You all know Jerry Ford -- the most dangerous driver since Ben Hur. Ford is easy to spot on the course. He drives the cart with the red cross painted on top.

- Whenever I play with him, I usually try to make it a foursome -- the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer. One of my most prized possession is the Purple Heart I received for all the golf I've played with him.

- Whenever I play with Ford these days I carry 13 clubs and a white flag. I try to win only enough from him to pay my extra insurance premiums.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano." -- Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller

Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.

I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead!

I asked my good friend, Arnold Palmer how I could improve my game, he advised me to Cheat!

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