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-=[ Joke Number 1973 ]=-

 [ << ] What it really means [ >>
What the Research Report Says ... What It Really Means

A search of the literature fails to show ... Hustler and Playboy didn't say.

It has long been known that ... Somebody once told me.

It is generally accepted that ... A guy in a bar once agreed with me.

It is widespread knowledge that ... Two guys in a bar agreed with me.

It is universally accepted that ... The bartender agreed, too!

Of great theoretical importance ... I need a dissertation topic.

Of great practical improtance ... I need a job.

Technical difficulties postponed the ... The engineers screwed up.

A scientific breakthrough occurred ... The engineers didn't screw up.

Typical results confirm ... Nothing exploded.

Data spread was well within expected limits ... Something did melt.

Experimental results agreed with the projected outcome ... My French curve fit.

A few anomalous data points were attributable to instrumental error ... My French curve didn't fit.

Agreement with predicted results is:
Excellent ... What the director wanted.
Good ... What the team wanted.
Fair ... What the technicians wanted.
Poor ... What the truth is.

Data have been normalized ... You wouldn't believe the numbers I got.

Dimensionless parameter plots show ... Nobody else would, either.

Statistical analyses reveal ... I had to lie a bit.

Data processing procedures were implemented ... I had to lie a lot.

Results were generally positive ... I got a raise.

Significant progress was accomplished ... I got a good raise.

The state of the art was advanced ... I got promote.

Valuable assistance was provided by ... He staued out of the lab.

Invaluable suggestions were provided by ... He was the research director.

Further investigation is warranted ... I need another grant.

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