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-=[ Joke Number 1910 ]=-

 [ << ] SSSCA by Microsoft [ >>
The SSSCA Doesn't Go Far Enough:

[The following is a letter that HumoriXP sent to the Senate Judiciary Committee in response to the proposed SSSCA.]

Dear Committee Members:

We here at HumoriXP, a wholly owned independent subsidiary of Microsoft, would like to express our severe disapproval for the pending SSSCA. As written, this bill is extremely weak, wishy-washy, and lax when it comes to protecing America's property rights.

We would like to take this opportunity to present our own revised version of this bill, which we've dubbed the SSSCA 2002. As you will see, this bill is a much better vehicle for protecting the children of starving artists, musicians, and programmers and making the world a better place.

(Sponsored in part by Microsoft Corp.)

1. WHEREAS Congress finds that the vast majority of Internet users and entertainment consumers are thieves, pirates, miscreants, Communists, hackers, and anarchists, and that musicians, artists, writers, authors, directors, actors, programmers and executives are suffering undue harm as a result, we hereby enact the Secure Software Systems for the Children Act of 2002 to declare war against copyright, trademark, patent, and trade secret violations throughout the world.

2. WHEREAS Congress finds that libraries, public and private, represent a serious loophole by which consumers can access copyrighted works at no charge, we hereby prohibit all libraries from receiving any Federal money or assistance whatsoever. Moreover, all foreign aid shall be indefinitely withheld from those nations harboring copyright terrorists in the form of taxpayer-supported librarians.

3. WHEREAS Congress finds that bookstores represent another venue for reading copyrighted works for free, we hereby prohibit any bookstore from containing chairs, benches, tables, or other devices designed for reading books, and all bookstores must forcibly remove all customers who linger for more than 30 minutes without purchasing anything.

4. WHEREAS Congress finds that both the demand and the supply of infringing material is high, we hereby establish the Copyright Enforcement Agency (CEA) to be placed under the control of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and Privacy Violations. The director of the Copyright Enforcement Agency shall be appointed for a four year term by the President with the advice and consent of the Chairperson of the Motion Picture Association of America.

4(b). The aforementioned agency shall have the power to investigate and prosecute all suspected copyright, trademark, or patent infringers anywhere within the Universe, who shall be tried by a secret copyright tribunal of three judges appointed by the Chairperson of the Recording Industry Association of America.

4(c). Said agency shall also have the power to build, maintain, and deploy weapons of mass electronic destruction for the purposes of destroying computer systems in foreign countries suspected of being used for intellectual property violations.

5. WHEREAS Congress finds that the term for copyrights, trademarks, and patents is too short for authors to effectively squeeze every last ounce of money out of them, we hereby extend the term of all copyrights, trademarks, and patents to last until the year 500000 A.D. Moreover, the law that prohibits Federal agencies from copyrighting their products is hereby repealed.

5(b). Any author who wishes to place his copyrighted material in the public domain or under a so-called "open source" or "free software" license must first undergo a complete psychiatric evalution and must also successfully complete a course entitled "Why Free Software Is For Communists" to be designed and implemented by the Minister Of Truth within the Copyright Enforcement Agency.

6. WHEREAS Congress finds that most vendors actively encourage intellectual property theft by producing products without appropriate safeguards, we hereby require that, after January 1, 2003, all manufactuers of electronic equipment (including but not limited to computers, computer peripherals, telephones, video cassette recorders, personal video recorders, televisions, calculators, microwaves, can openers, personal digital assistants, toasters, game consoles, radios, music players, stereo systems, amplifiers, automobiles, lawn mowers, musical instruments, and medical devices) must include a so-called "X-Chip" that enforces intellectual property rights and shuts down the device when the user attempts to use it in an unlawful manner. Said X-Chip must include safeguards against tampering and hacking and must, where practical, include Internet access so that its firmware can be automatically upgraded to reflect future changes in the law.

6(b). Violators of the previous clause shall be fined not less than $2,300,000 nor more than $1,000,000,000,000,000.

7. WHEREAS Congress finds that the Internet is an anarchistic environment screaming for appropriate regulation, we hereby require that, after January 1, 2004, all users must obtain a license issued by the Copyright Enforcement Agency before they can legally access the Internet. The CEA shall only issue licenses to those users who sign affidavits stating that all electronic equipment under their ownership meets or exceeds the requirements stated in Article 6.

7(b). Agents for the CEA shall have the power to, without warning, inspect the premises of any user with an Internet license and take appropriate action if non-compliant hardware is discovered or if other copyright violations are observed.

7(c). Internet Service Providers must deploy sufficient technological safeguard

[Rita Rong]

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