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-=[ Joke Number 166 ]=-

 [ << ] Nerds at the Hardware Store 1/2 [ >>
Nerdy Things to do at the Hardware Store 1/2:

Unroll the 100 metre tape measure to "make sure it's all there". Ask other shoppers to hold bits down "Just there, no there by that mark in the floor" as you go along. See how many shoppers you can get helping you on the way.

Unroll a 50 metre roll of duct tape check whether it really is 50 metre. Then find you can't roll it all back because it's stuck on the floor. When a member of staff asks what you are doing tell them you've covered up a large crack in their floor and they "really ought to take more care of their building".

Ask for the bits from the middle of your washers so that you can use them for Tiddlywinks.

Take your cat into the Pet Department and put him into different baskets. Call him "Timmy" and ask which he prefers. Then start arguing with him and say that the ones he prefers is too expensive. Ask passers-by if they have the same problem with their cats.

Complain that the 13 amp plug you bought leaks and that as a result you've not had a bath for months.

Go to the Customer Service desk and ask how to connect the plumb line you've just bought to your washing machine.

Take some planks of wood into the store and ask to try their best orbital sander. Afterwards ask them where they keep the wood varnish... you'd like to try that as well.

Order 90 metres of nylon cable with a strain rating of 6 Kg. Once they've measured and cut it produce a piece of paper from your pocket, stare at it and turn it upside down. Apologise and say that you really wanted 9 metres of nylon cable with a strain rating of 60 Kg.

Complain that none of the taps work in the model bathroom. Threaten to sue them on health grounds because they've also forgotten to provide soap or towels.

Try to hold up the cashier with a glue gun. Shout "Stick 'em up!" and start sniggering. When the cops come say "It was only a joke. Geddit? Glue. Stick 'em up. Joke." Keep protesting your innocence and sue them for not having a sense of humour.

Take a section of bright yellow carpet into the paint department and get people's opinion of which paint matches it best. Then produce some bright yellow curtain material and ask whether the paint still matches. Next get some bright pink cloth ("the color of my sofa") and ask which paint goes best with all three. You can then produce another patch of material from your cushions, rugs, light-shades...

Join the longest checkout queue when ready to pay for your goods. Then move to the back of another long queue when just about to be served. Start complaining about the slow service - but keep moving to the back of another long queue when just about to be served. Eventually the manager will come out and take you to the front of a queue - just to get rid of you. When this happens turn round and grin at everybody else who you've just jumped in front of.

Produce a shopping list for a Jack Daniels spirit level, a long weight, a left-handed screw-driver and a tin of blue and white striped paint.

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