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-=[ Joke Number 1310 ]=-

 [ << ] Driving in Las Vegas [ >>
Tips For Tourists Who Want To Drive In Las Vegas:

1. Look at all the pretty lights on the buildings! Millions of colors! Don't waste your time looking at traffic lights; they only come in 3 colors.

2. Also, don't waste your time looking at the road. There's much more interesting things elsewhere. It's everyone else's job to look out for you.

3. Whatever you do, don't tap that accelerator. Keeping traffic slow is your gift to your hosts.

4. It is imperative that you turn onto the road as soon as possible regardless of who you have to cut off to do so. However, once on the road, there is no real hurry. Take your time. That guy you cut off will be happy to slow down.

5. The "fast lane." Ever wonder why it's called that? Me either.

6. If you drive a Winnebago, be sure to only drive on single lane highways with extensive no passing zones. If people can pass you and keep traffic flowing, it defeats the whole purpose of driving a Winnebago!

7. Whatever you do, don't look in your mirrors! Traffic might be piling up behind you and you wouldn't want that on your conscience!

8. Be sure to always slow down to a near stop to look at the twisted vehicles and bloody puddles of the innocent locals who have had "encounters" with driving tourists.

9. If you are pulled over, be sure to toss cliches and lame jokes about the mob, prostitution, or the weather to the cop. He's never heard that one before. Trust me.

10. And remember, when you are lost, do not stop to find out where you are. Simply slow to 1/3 of the speed limit and weave in and out of lanes haphazardly. This always gets you where you want to be.

11. Always be talking on a cell phone. Your techno-savvy impresses the locals and they will stare in worshipful awe as you run stop lights and narrowly miss pedestrians.

12. Stop signs don't really mean "stop." They mean "slow down just a tad and if you are feeling generous, perhaps glance to the side to make sure that guy you were supposed to yield to isn't going to hit you."

13. Feel free to stop in the middle of the road to take photos. The locals will be touched at how sentimental you are about their home.

14. Remember, you are on vacation so school speed zones don't apply to you.

15. The bumper sticker on the car you are tailgating says "If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?" What a jerk! I wonder what his problem is.

[ Ezra B. Riner ]

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